Published On: 08-24-2006 12:29 PM
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THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY :
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My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tyre...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

! ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?



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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- -------------------------------- ------ --------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.



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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.



####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

******************** ************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



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We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Published On: 08-18-2006 02:14 PM
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.